I think we've lost her!

Artistic Curiosity!
 

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...
 

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.
 

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

I'll get that bloody pigeon yet!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
 

Superdog

 One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

 

OK, I give up.

First year of marriage: the man speaks, the woman listens.
Second year: the woman speaks, the man listens.
Third year: they both speak and the neighbours listen.

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “your
sense of humour”.

Batdog

That was good

Pupil: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Pupil: good, because i didn't do my homework.
 

Women's convention

A Doctor tells a patient: “I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease”.
The man replies: “Well, thank god I don’t have cancer!”.

A blonde touches her knee with her finger and yells Ouch. The same with her elbow and ear.
The doctor examines her and says: Madam, your finger is broken.
 

Goodbye Cruel World!

Anybody fancy a hot dog?

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
 

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

Karate Cat!
 

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
 

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

Time to pray
 

Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.
 

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

Killer!

!!!

An Aussie walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side .He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I’ll try it - JUST DON'T HIT ME SO HARD WITH THE BEER BOTTLE!!"

Nun's off-duty!